


10 Rules for Living With Hawkeye

by SeaSpectre160



Category: Avengers: Earth's Mightiest Heroes
Genre: Arguments, Badass, Ceiling Vent Clint Barton, Circus, Don't Underestimate Hawkeye, Family Issues, Gen, Humor, Knifeplay, Knockout Gas, List, Secrets, charity ball, forgotten birthdays
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-13
Updated: 2015-12-13
Packaged: 2018-05-06 12:55:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5417909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeaSpectre160/pseuds/SeaSpectre160
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony decides to put together a list of ways to make living under the same roof as the bow-and-arrow wielding Avenger just a little less stressful.</p><p>
  <img/>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	10 Rules for Living With Hawkeye

**Author's Note:**

> Well, here's my first foray into writing an Avengers story. In my opinion, Hawkeye didn't get quite enough development in the series; after a while, he basically became the comic relief character with some smart-ass comments here and there, especially in Season 2. At least in Season 1, he actually got an episode or two focused on him.
> 
> Information on the Serpent Society members came from their Wikipedia profiles.
> 
> Non-Italic bold is text from Tony's list. Italics are flashbacks.
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I don't own the Avengers or any other Marvel characters featured in this fic. Corentin Tremblay is a random OC.

Clint glared at Tony as he pinned up a notice on the wall of the living room. “Stark, is this really necessary?”

“Yes, Barton, it is,” the billionaire/genius/playboy/philanthropist replied, “You aren’t exactly the easiest person to get along with.”

“Neither are you.”

“Ignoring that. This list’ll make life much smoother for all of us. It’s based on countless events that have occurred since you moved in here. There. Done.” He stepped back to admire his handiwork. “Take a look.”

Clint ‘Hawkeye’ Barton read the list over with narrowed eyes.

* * *

 

** 10 Rules for Living with Hawkeye **

**1\. Don’t try to wake him. He sleeps holding a knife under his pillow, and will not hesitate to use it.**

_“Clint?” Janet called, knocking on his door, “Clint, it’s past noon, and Tony won’t start the movie without you, so you need to get your butt downstairs before Hulk has to drag you down himself!”_

_When he didn’t answer, she pushed the door open, revealing the archer’s sleeping form sprawled on his bed, one hand under his pillow. She rolled her eyes with a huff. “Come on, wakey wakey!” She poked him in the shoulder with each ‘wakey’._

_All of a sudden, Janet found herself with a hand around her wrist and a metal blade at her throat. Clint was glaring up at her, then he blinked a few times and then let go, slipping the knife back under his pillow. “What are you doing in my room, Wasp?” he demanded._

_Janet backed up. “I- I- I was just telling you the Saturday afternoon movie was starting,” she explained meekly, “Uh… Should I tell them to not be expecting you?”_

_“Just give me a minute. I’ll be down in a sec.”_

_“Oh. Okay.”_

_“And Janet? Waking me up like that isn’t the smartest thing in the world. Same with any other SHIELD agent. Sorry for the scare.”_

_“Uh-huh. Got it.” She closed the door behind her, still shaking._

**2\. The circus is a taboo topic. No one’s sure why, but it is.**

_Steve paused in his morning read through the paper. “Looks like the circus is in town,” he commented._

_Tony looked up from his notes, and Thor from his Pop-Tarts. “Really? Huh.”_

_The God of Thunder looked confused. “What is this… ‘circus’ of which you speak?”_

_“It’s basically a group of traveling performers, such as clowns, acrobats, and other talented individuals,” Steve explained. It wasn’t often that **he** got to be the one to explain an unfamiliar concept. “They’ve existed for over a hundred years. I remember seeing one before the war.”_

_“It also features attractions like sword-swallowers, bearded ladies, and animals doing silly tricks,” Tony continued, “It’s a riot.”_

_“We should totally go!” Janet suggested enthusiastically, just as Hank and Clint walked in. “What do you guys think?”_

_“Huh?” Hank peered distractedly over the notebook in his hands._

_“The circus is in town. Do you guys want to go?”_

_Clint tensed up for some reason. “Not interested,” he spat, and stalked back out._

_Janet stared after him for a second, then turned back to the others. “What was **that** all about?”_

**3\. His family is also a no-no topic. Persistence WILL result in something sharp being thrown at you.**

_“Come on, you’ve gotta give us something!” Janet needled._

_The Avengers were all gathered in the rec area, and when they’d gotten bored with the TV, conversation had started up. Their current topic had started with Janet talking about a childhood moment with her father, then Steve had opened up about his parents, and soon almost everyone was discussing family. Even Tony managed to crack a bit and talk about his father. The only ones who hadn’t were Hulk and Hawkeye, and **no one** wanted to annoy the Hulk._

_So of course this meant that everyone had started picking on Clint, trying to get him to share something, but all they got was stony-faced silence._

_“I mean, anything! A funny story, a little moment that sticks out in your memory, **anything**!” As he gave her another stare, Janet finally gave up. The others had caved a while ago, and now she was also done trying to crack the archer’s armour._

_Only Tony remained. “Seriously, you’ve got **nothing** to say? I mean, out of all of us here, you’re the one we know the least about. C’mon, just one little story? Basic details? Parents’ names? Any siblings? A big brother or sis-”_

**_Thunk._ **

_Tony was silenced mid-sentence as a small throwing knife seemingly sprouted from the wall about six inches away from his head._

_“Just shut up, Stark,” Clint growled, getting out of his seat. He didn’t throw deadly objects around often, which let the Avengers know that the Iron Man had seriously touched a major nerve without realising it. The archer stalked out of the room._

_A pillow hit Tony in the head, hard enough to knock him over. The Hulk was **not** amused._

**4\. He knows numerous languages, including but not limited to: French, Spanish, Hungarian, German, Afrikaans, Japanese, Cantonese, Mandarin, Thai, Portuguese, Swahili, Russian, Italian, and Greek. He also has excellent hearing. Having a private conversation, even in another language, is next to impossible with him in the room.**

_“It’s been wonderful to see you again, Monsieur Tremblay,” Tony said. He shook hands with Corentin Tremblay, a French businessman, before making a discreet break back to his own table._

_Once again, he was stuck at a Stark Industries charity event, which he loved setting up – the funds raised did a world of good for the people who needed it – but **hated** attending. He was very good at masking that, though. He had a role to play, and he played it well. So he sucked it up and pretended to enjoy the company of people who thought their money made them gods and only attended the event because it made them look good._

_Most of his teammates… were not doing as well. After some persisting, he’d convinced the entirety of the Avengers to attend this one. Each adapted to it differently. Janet had gotten on all right with some of the girls her age at first, but had quickly become annoyed at how stuck-up they were, though she was playing her role almost as well as Tony. T’Challa garnered some polite respect as King of Wakanda, but the other guests were showing off their ignorance and bigotry regarding his country without even knowing it (or possibly just not caring). Steve, who’d grow up during the Depression, didn’t quite know what to do at such a fancy event, or with the many fans who came over to ‘talk to’ (read: bother) him. Hank looked like he just wanted to retreat back to his lab, something Tony sympathized with wholly. Thor was utterly confused by the many ‘strange dishes’ being served, and his habit of forgetting to use his indoor voice was drawing some looks. And everyone not an Avenger or Pepper was just plain avoiding the Hulk, who was scowling in a corner wearing custom-made black pants and a vest and working on his large plate of food._

_And Clint… Clint was chatting up a pretty brunette in what sounded like Spanish. It kind of figured that the S.H.I.E.L.D. agent was bilingual. A few minutes after Tony got back to their table, Clint also returned, scowling. “You do know that Tremblay guy’s an ass, right? He’s been whispering nasty stuff about everyone, or at least he is every time I go near him.”_

_Tony raised an eyebrow. “You speak French, too? On top of Spanish?”_

_“That was Occitan, actually, and he was speaking Breton. He’s been talking about taking your old spot as the top weapons dealer, and he’s hoping to hack some of your designs while he’s here.”_

_Tony frowned. The event venue was a building owned by Stark Industries, so it was connected to the company's network. “J.A.R.V.I.S. won’t let him get past the first set of firewalls, but that’s good to know. I’ll alert security.” He got up to speak to the nearest security personnel, then doubled back. “Occitan and Breton?”_

_Clint shrugged. “I was a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent. If I couldn’t blend in in whatever country they dropped me in, I’d be screwed.”_

**5\. He’s scarily quiet when he walks. Don’t be surprised if he speaks up from right behind you. Only T’Challa has ever caught him.**

_“So, how are we gonna do this?” Wasp asked quietly, peering over the roof’s edge where she, Ant-Man, and Black Panther were hiding from the A.I.M. guards patrolling below. The other Avengers were in another hiding spot on the opposite side of the compound. “Quick and stealthy, fast and hard, or quick and stealthy then fast and hard when quick and stealthy fails?”_

_“We’ve got Iron Man, Thor, and **the Hulk** here,” Ant-Man pointed out, “Do you really think Option A is even a possibility?”_

_“Point.”_

_“We’ll hit during the changing of the guard,” Captain America whispered over their communicators, “That way we can take as many of them by surprise as possible. You’ve been watching this compound the longest, Hawkeye; how much longer until then?”_

_“Two minutes.” The response came from right behind them, and Wasp and Ant-Man yelped, startled to find the archer crouched there, as if he'd been on the roof with them the whole time._

_“HEY!” The A.I.M. guards had noticed the noise, and opened fire on the four Avengers. Wasp heard Tony spit a curse when he realised that their cover had been blown early, then she tuned that out and focused on the fight in front of her._

_Once they’d beaten all the guards on their side, Wasp whirled around to glare at Hawkeye. “What’s the deal with sneaking up on us?! You couldn’t make **any** noise to let us know you were coming?!”_

_Hawkeye rolled his eyes. “ **So** sorry I didn’t make a ton of noise on a **stealth** mission, Wasp. You would have noticed me if you’d been paying attention!”_

_“I so **was** paying attention! **No one** could have heard you!”_

_“Panther did. He noticed the second I reached the roof.”_

**6\. He has some sort of freaky sense that tells him when someone’s about to touch his weapons. And he doesn’t like it when you touch his weapons without permission.**

_Tony had been thinking about Hawkeye’s bow for a while. Ways to improve its accuracy (though the archer didn’t **really** need any help in that department), to make it more portable, and to give it plenty more tricks. But to do that, he’d have to take a look at the original, so when he found it on the ground after it’d been knocked out of Clint’s hand in a battle, of course he went to pick it up and examine it._

_His fingers were just inches away when a small throwing knife flew out of nowhere and embedded itself in the concrete, nanometers away from his armoured hand._

_Iron Man froze, glancing up to see Hawkeye glaring at him, still helping a dazed Black Panther to his feet. What had Tony frozen was the fact that Hawkeye had been facing the other way seconds earlier, only turning to throw the blade._

_“No touching unless I say so,” he growled, “Or unless I’m somehow incapable of picking it up myself.”_

_“Do you have some sort of obsession with throwing pointy things at me?! I just wanted to-”_

_“No.”_

_“But-”_

_“I said **no** , Stark.”_

_Tony huffed. “Fine. Guess it won’t be getting all those upgrades I’ve been planning. Your loss.”_

**7\. There’s no use trying to get a secret out of him. He’s been trained in extreme anti-interrogation methods.**

_“Just be sure not to tell her until tomorrow morning,” Hank reminded him, “I want this to be a surprise.”_

_“Considering it’s nearly a month late, I bet she **will** be surprised,” Clint pointed out, reminding the Ant-Man of his awful blunder of forgetting Janet’s birthday. Again._

_“I know, but that’s why it’s taken so long to set up! I need to go all-out to make up for forgetting! Just don’t say anything to her, got it?”_

_“I was a SHIELD agent for over half a decade; I can keep a secret, Hank. Jan won’t get a word out of me.” He paused as he heard the telltale sound of her wings beating nearby. “Quick, I hear her coming!”_

_Hank immediately shrank down and flew off on an ant before Janet appeared around the corner. “Were you just talking to Hank?” she asked._

_“Nope,” Clint lied smoothly, “Why do you ask?”_

_“Liar! I heard his voice just a second ago! What were you two talking about?”_

_Clint turned and walked away calmly._

_Roughly two hours later, he passed by the rec room where the Hulk was watching TV. Janet was following behind him, chanting “Tellmetellmetellmetellme!” over and over again. Clint didn’t pay her any mind. Hulk shrugged and went back to his show._

_When Clint was getting a snack from the kitchen, she was threatening to cut off something very important. He didn’t even flinch, but Tony, who was entering, paled and backed out._

_At dinner, she had temporarily given up on verbal assault and simply glared daggers at him. Even T’Challa was unnerved by this. Hank was conspicuous in his absence._

_The next morning, she was at it again. “I swear, if you don’t tell me what you and Hank were talking about, I will have to resort to waterboarding!”_

_“I can hold my breath,” he replied easily._

_“Janet!” Hank came jogging around the hall corner. “Janet, I’ve got a surprise for you downstairs.” He noticed her staring Clint down. “You didn’t spoil the surprise, did you?”_

_“Surprise?” Janet gasped, “What surprise?” Completely distracted by this news, she then excitedly dragged Hank downstairs._

_Clint sighed. “Thank God. She was actually starting to get on my nerves.”_

**8\. If he says he’s ‘fine’ before you even finish asking how he’s doing, he’s got some sort of injury. ‘Peachy’ or something similarly sarcastic usually signifies heavy bleeding or a wound that would incapacitate anyone less stubborn than him. ‘Not so good’ indicates that you’d better get your ass over there in 30 seconds or less.**

_It had been a tiring, frustrating battle. A horde of Doombots had descended upon the city, and the Fantastic Four were apparently busy elsewhere, so it had fallen to the Avengers to deal with them. Even eight strong, they’d had to split up to deal with the sheer amount of territory the battle covered. Finally, most of the Doombots had been defeated, and the Avengers began to regroup._

_Thor was flying over Manhattan to Hawkeye’s last location, although he was not in a rush. When he’d enquired as to the Hawk’s welfare through the communication device given to him by Stark (the mortals had developed such impressive advancements over just the past few centuries), the archer had declared himself ‘Fine’ before Thor had even finished the question. Thor trusted him, as an experienced former agent of the Shield, to judge his own situation appropriately._

_Or perhaps not. When Thor arrived, he found Hawkeye sitting on one of the wrecked machines, his shirt pulled up to expose a long wound along the left side of his abdomen, stretching around almost to his back. “Friend Hawk!” Thor cried, landing beside him, “Are you in need of transport to the nearest medical assistance?”_

_He fully expected the answer to be a yes, but again the Hawk defied his expectations. “No, I can walk it,” he claimed calmly, “If I can handle ten minutes fighting Doombots with this, I can handle a walk.”_

_Thor was aghast. “But earlier, you communicated to us that all was well! Did you not realise you were injured?”_

_Hawkeye responded with a roll of his eyes. “This is nothing compared to what I’ve had before on SHIELD ops. I can handle a short walk. Seriously, quit hovering.”_

_And before Thor could protest, he stood up, only the smallest expression of pain evident, and began to march away. Perhaps they should re-evaluate how they trusted the Hawk’s judgement regarding his own injuries._

**9\. Continuing from Number 8, if he has to go to the infirmary, don’t expect him to stay there voluntarily. If necessary, sedatives must be used.**

_“Where do you think you’re going, Barton?” Tony asked when he entered the infirmary. It had taken Hulk threatening to pick him up and carry him there to get Hawkeye to enter the room, in order to get treatment for his injuries from the Doombot battle. Yet in less than an hour he’d tried to escape twice, this being the third attempt. The first two times, he’d simply tried to slip out the door. This time, however, Tony had come in to find the archer standing on his bed, about to lift himself up into the air duct above it. The vent cover was already sitting on his pillow._

_Clint rolled his eyes. “Out. I can heal just as well in my own room.”_

_“And you think crawling through the vents is going to help with that?”_

_Another eye roll. “I’'ve done this before, Stark, with injuries worse than this one, and I’m still here, aren’t I?”_

_He put his foot on the rail at the foot of the bed, ready to hoist himself up, but Tony knew something he didn’t. Hurrying towards Clint, he called: “J.A.R.V.I.S., Security Protocol India Victor Thirty-Two.”_

_“Right away, Sir.”_

_Clint paused to glance down at Tony in confused indignation, then gasped as the vent rapidly filled with a pale grey cloud of gas, blasting right into his face. It took effect almost immediately, causing him to sway on his feet. “Dammit, Stark…” he moaned before slumping onto his bed (and thankfully not onto Tony, who’d positioned himself to catch the archer just in case)._

_“And Pepper said the knockout gas in the vents was overkill.”_

**10\. Despite the fact that he’s the only Avenger without special powers or enhancements or whatever magic/science Black Panther uses, DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE HIM! It has been the downfall of more than one villain.**

_“Hahaha! You foolish Avengers really thought you could capture us?!”_

_King Cobra grinned triumphantly down at the group before him. The Avengers had been tracking the Serpent Society down, only to find themselves ambushed in an abandoned subway tunnel. With their heaviest hitters, Thor and the Hulk, busy elsewhere, they still would have likely had the upper hand, but the villains had played dirty and taken civilians hostage. Captain America was in the grip of Anaconda, Black Panther and Wasp had been slammed into a brick wall by Bushmaster and were still recovering, Iron Man was dodging Death Adder’s talons (and being hampered by the lack of space), and Ant-Man was pinned to the ground by Constrictor. Hawkeye was nowhere in sight, but that was because Rattler had managed to toss him down a maintenance shaft, so he was likely to be dead._

_After all, King Cobra thought, he was just a normal human with a bow and some trick arrows. He hardly even deserved the same amount of attention the other Avengers did._

_However, it was just as he advanced forward, ready to tear off Captain America’s head as he struggled, an arrow zipped out of the shaft and buried itself in his shoulder, sending a powerful electric shock through his body. The other members of the Serpent Society were stunned as their leader collapsed to the ground. With his guard still down, Constrictor didn’t see the next arrow coming towards him until it was too late to dodge the net that sprang out of it and pinned him to a wall before also electrocuting him._

_It was at this point that a purple blur launched itself out of the maintenance shaft, as Hawkeye landed feet-first on Bushmaster’s shoulders and jabbed a third and fourth arrow into each of the villain’s cybernetic arms. Even as he jumped off, the devices began to swing wildly, the virus he’d inflicted on them removing them from their owner’s control. He flipped in mid-air, coming down to kick Anaconda in the face. Captain America was able to free himself, and dropped to the ground before kicking her legs out from under her._

_Meanwhile, Rattler was having difficulty dodging Bushmaster’s flailing limbs, allowing both Panther and Wasp to catch him unawares and knock him out from behind, though they soon had to deal with trying to get at Bushmaster as well._

_Hilariously, it took Death Adder that long to realise he and his pals were no longer winning. He caught a glimpse of the unconscious King Cobra while trying to catch Iron Man with his poisonous talons, and paused in surprise to wonder how that had happened. Had Thor or the Hulk arrived without him noticing? Iron Man was more than willing to use the distraction to repulsor-blast him in the chest, taking him out of the fight as well._

_That left a still-flailing Bushmaster. Perched on an old railing, Hawkeye fired two explosive arrows simultaneously, each one severing one of the malfunctioning arms, and the dual blasts knocking the last member of the Serpent Society out._

_Still mildly stunned that the battle had turned around so quickly, the Avengers all turned to stare at Hawkeye, who smirked and shrugged casually. “What would you guys do without me?”_

* * *

“You know what I’ve noticed?” Clint commented, “Some of these incidents were actually _your_ fault. And ‘Peachy’? I never say ‘peachy’. Who the hell says ‘peachy’?”

 

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> The timing of the various scenes isn't all that important; just wherever they fit within the show's storyline.
> 
> Occitan is a Romance language spoken in southern France, Monaco, and parts of Italy and Spain. Breton is a Celtic language spoken in Brittany, which is a region in northwest France.
> 
> Please let me know what you guys think!


End file.
